I'm still missing my Gram terribly, but I'm feeling reassured that she is right here with me. I am certain of this not only by all the eerie things that have been happening throughout this past week, but also through everyday situations which have not otherwise been planned. One of my final memories with her was watching the Steeler's game and on Wednesday evening, Kelly received a call from her friend asking her if he knew of anyone who would want to go to the Steelers/Browns game?
So on Thursday, my mom and I attended our first Steeler's game. At the half time show when Rusted Root, a native Pittsburgh band, came out and sang their hit song "Send Me On My Way," it felt as though it was her giving us a message from up above. The tears came, but also I was able to smile knowing how happy she must be being united with loved ones that have passed before us.
On Friday when we left Pittsburgh for Baltimore to attend the wedding of Joe's best friend (Steve Kaplan), I was also a bit nervous. Weddings are such happy occasions and I was feeling a little less than joyful to say the least. As we drove down to Baltimore, I was trying to figure out how I would occupy my day as Joe would be busy doing groomsmanly duties with Steve. It wasn't that there weren't options available for me and people there I could meet, which Joe would have been happy to arrange; however, I just wasn't feeling incredibly social and didn't really have the energy.
I decided that I would probably spend my day in the hotel lobby catching up on e-mails until I received a text which I'm sure was sent from above. "Good Morning Maria, when are you coming this way again? I hope I didn't miss you. I would love to see you so when you have a free moment give me a call."
It was Stella* my old Get On The Bus friend. She had recently moved to the DC area and when we chatted a few weeks ago prior to anything happening, I told her that I would be heading down to DC this weekend for the wedding. In the midst of everything, I had forgotten all about calling her and trying to connect with her for the day.
As we exchanged texts back and forth and I told her all about my week, we had both decided that it was fate that brought us together. She had agreed that we needed to hang out for the day and this is what she had written to me prior to us getting together:
"Well, you know my philosophy Maria, God knows just what we need and just when we need it and his heart is full of Holy Hook-ups for us!... I don't know what to say, but God be the Glory and I just seek to please him with my life... Whether you know it or not, effortlessly you have blessed the lives of so many (including my own). I told you that I would never forget what you and Get On The Bus did for my boys. You have no idea how much of an Honor that God is allowing me (of all people) to share and comfort you today."
At about 1:00 pm on Friday, after almost 2 years of not seeing one another, I hopped into Stella's* van and we went on a drive. We exchanged tears of joy, sorrow and pain (as she too had recently lost her brother), but we had a camaraderie that many people can't understand. We met through a challenging time in her life and through it we became friends and now when I needed a shoulder, she was the one there for me.
Thank you does not begin to express how blessed I have felt by her presence and the presence of my friends and family. Just as Stella* said to me years ago, "your kindness does not go unnoticed. I will never forget what you all have been doing for me and my family."
*Names have been changed.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Remembering my Gram Helen Costanzo...
As some of you might be aware, my gram Helen passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this past Sunday. As you all know from reading my blog, she was an integral part of my life and the matriarch of our family. My sister and I got a chance to share the memories of her at the funeral and many people have asked for copies of our speeches. However, in the midst of everything, I realized I forgot to write down who wanted the speech, so I'm posting it here for anyone to print out. I'd also like to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers for our family during this very difficult time.
Kelly's Eulogy:
I have learned so much from my grandmother. She has taught me about life, death, relationships, friendships, and most importantly, family. If it was not for my grandmother, my family and I would not be where we are today. She embodied the definition of true strength until her last moment on Earth and I couldn’t think of anyone better to have as a role model.
She was a wonderful wife to my grandfather. She raised three children doing her best to give them a great life. And when us grandchildren came along, she spoiled us through her greatest talent- her passion for cooking homemade pasta, raviolis, gnocchis, cookies, pies, bread, the list goes on and on. Every holiday and wedding, she is at the forefront of it all. Sometimes cooking for 40 people at a time, even at age 89 nothing stopped this woman from making anyone feel welcome into her home with a fresh bowl of pasta.
I remember one conversation about death that we had in particular once. She was never scared and I remember saying one day, it will all make sense. We both agreed that her and I would be in heaven one day hanging out with those loved ones who had passed on. I know things may not make sense to us now, and I almost feel selfish to say, I wish we could have more time. But one thing I know, she’s in heaven with my grandpap, her parents, and her sisters looking down on all of us. I believe she has become my guardian angel and I couldn’t ask for anyone better to watch over me.
My gram had altruistic love. She had self-sacrificing love, where she needed to help comfort and serve people throughout her entire life. She took pride in herself through organization and everything she did in her life was to make life easier on us. She even had her rosary beads, slippers, and church songs picked out for her funeral years before to make this process easier on my aunt. My dad and I joked that the only thing she forget was to freeze food so that she could cater her own funeral.
Gram- I will cherish the times we have spent together. You have thought my sister and I how to make homemade pasta and sauce- it will never be as good as yours, but we hope to keep the tradition alive. Some of my favorite memories with you were when I would stay over at Greenfield Ave on Saturday nights after work and I’d wake up to a breakfast with you on Sunday morning. You would always make a fuss over me and you made me my favorite- fresh coffee, one egg, one piece of bacon, toast and a hotcake. We got to talking over food about what was going on in my life and yours and I felt as though I could tell you anything. I’ll miss afternoons at Aunt Diane’s with you when you would make me lunch and we would talk over tea. When I came up for advice, you always gave the best. Any man problems I ever had her response was always the same, “Oh these men, they’re all crazy!”
My grandma wasn’t just my Gram, she was a best friend. I miss my Gram already, but I know she left the way she would have wanted to go. On the day she passed away, she had her hair, make up and nails done just so, she went to church, took holy communion, lit a candle, kissed all of her sisters goodbye, and spent her last moments in the presence of her three children. She left her way. And I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, but her way. Maria and I will tell you when cooking with Gram, the best advice I have is to watch because if you try to do things slightly different than her way, she tells you that you’re doing it wrong and pushes you aside.
I think I speak on behalf of everyone here today when I say, “We have so much respect for you as a wife, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, daughter, mother, grandmother and a friend.
Gram- Thank you for all that you have done for me throughout my life. You were the best grandmother anyone could ask for. I will try to live my life selflessly just like you have lived yours- trusting in God and family to make it through tough times such as this. I love you so much. It’s not goodbye, I know I’ll see you again.
Maria's Final Thoughts:
On behalf of the Melchiorre and Costanzo families, I would like to welcome everyone here on this day celebrating the life and the memories of my grandma Helen Costanzo. In life there is a saying, that if you are a lucky person, you will go through life with a handful of true friends. I consider myself a very lucky person because instead of one handful, I have two.
My first handful consists of the normal childhood and college buddies who I’ve grown up with. They’ve stuck with me through and through and they have been there over the course of these last couple of days, which once again proves what type of friends they are.
However, my second handful consists of some people who I didn’t necessarily choose. Like the pre-bagged fruit in the grocery store, I acquired them all as a package deal. Even though you never do really know what you are going to get when you shop this way, the fruit of these relationships has been some of the most ripened and tastiest fruit out there. These are the people who I not only shared life experiences with, but these are the people that helped to create me and weave the intrinsic fabrics that make me who I am today. These people are: my parents, my sister, my husband and my grandma. Out of the five of my fingers, Gram is definitely the thumb. I have looked to her for her thumb's up approval and altered what I was doing anytime she gave me the thumb;s down.
As the first born grandchild, I had three years of time when I was her only grandchild and I have to admit, she did spoil me. My gram always made a big deal out of everything and I mean, EVERYTHING I did. From attending my impromptu concerts in her living room, where I went “shopping” in Aunt Diane’s old closet dressing up in only the finest of what the 70’s had to offer, taking all the pillows off the couch and blasting Debbie Gibson screaming horribly to the music, to making her take me up the hill so that we could go to Freddy’s candy store, she would do anything to make me happy. I have so many memories from when I was a small child helping Gram fry meatballs down in the cellar, going swimming at Magee pool even though I was never allowed to go in deeper than 3 feet as swimming was never one of her strong suits, riding my bike in the alley behind her house, eating Oreo cookies for breakfast, and faking illnesses so that I could have some Pepto-Bismol just because I loved the taste. Although I never pushed the limits, I did know that I could get away with more at her house, which is probably why I wanted to spend so much time there.
As I grew up, our relationship deepened and matured. She was a grandma to me no doubt, but she also acted as my confidant, my best friend, my second mom, my therapist, and at times, my personal chef. Over the years, we’ve shared many visits and phone calls which will always hold a special place in my heart. Although I will NEVER be able to do her justice, I wanted to highlight ten things that I will never forget about her.
Gram never wasted any time. When I would call her in the morning to check in and to ask what she was up to, she would respond, “Oh nothing, I just cleaned the floors, scrubbed the bathrooms, did the wash, made some sauce, and made cookies for someone’s wedding, that’s all.” In a recent trip home a couple of weeks ago, while watching the Steelers, I was teasing her because every time she left the opponents scored. I said, “Gram, you better stay put, you are giving the Steelers bad luck.” She told me, “Maria, I love the Steelers, but they have to understand, I’m busy and I’ve got things to do.” At almost 90 years of age, she did more before 9 am than most people did in a week’s time.
Gram was proud of her heritage. She was born in Italy and she never forgot her roots. She loved Italian people and so much so that the first question she asked any potential suitor I brought home was, “Are you Italian?” You could imagine the pressure Joe Palmer must have felt prior to meeting her, especially because I told him that if my grandma didn’t like him, we couldn’t continue with the relationship. When we walked into her basement 10 years ago for Joe’s first visit, Joe was very nervous as a lot of was on the line. Joe may not have Italian roots, but he did come ready with some research linking his family to bringing kerosene to Italy. We walked up the steps to greet her, I gave her a kiss and before I could even sit down, she asked me to go over to my aunt’s house across the driveway to get some cheese. I am such a creature of habit and I was taught to never question my grandma so without any thought, I turned around and left leaving Joe with that ‘deer in the headlights’ look. As I walked down the steps, I heard her asking ‘the question.’ By the time I got back, I knew I was going to know the fate my relationship with Joe. When I got back, I could tell that things were going very well and that Grandma had taken a real liking to Joe. I called her later that night to get the real scoop and she said, “Maria, Joe is a nice young man, he may not be Italian, but his people did good things for the Italian people so that’s enough good in my book.”
Growing up and even today, I feel that same amount of pride about being Italian. I’m not saying that Italians are better than other people, but it is just a pride that I have about my heritage that I know it came from her. My senior year of high school, Gram took me, Kelly, Brittany, my mom and Aunt Diane on a trip to Italy and it was so wonderful to be able to share in this experience with her. It is something I will never forget.
Gram lived simply, and she loved Greenfield. Up until she moved in with my aunt, Greenfield was her turf and she was not much of an explorer outside of that. Although this was incredibly endearing, I learned the hard way to never to ask Gram for directions. One rainy night, my friend Matt, who was living in Shadyside called me while I was over at Greenfield Ave and he wanted to pay a visit. I, too, am not incredibly adept in getting places so I felt that it would be appropriate to ask Gram. I figured what the heck, she had the bar in Shadyside for years, she must have made this trip 1 million times, right? I passed the phone to Gram and learned very quickly as she spouted out, “Matt, go a little ways down the street, turn right, turn right, down the hill, left” that this may have not been the brightest idea. As Matt was asking her for further info, such as I don’t know, street names? She resorted to her favorite landmarks. She said, “You know where the Giant Eagle is?” His response didn’t suit her, “Yes, but there are two Giant Eagles.” She was completely taken aback. The concept of two Giant Eagles for this Greenfield girl was incredibly foreign. Her response was, “Just go to the good Giant Eagle and turn right.” Matt wasn’t really understanding what she was saying so she thought maybe she could put it in more simpler terms, and here is what I heard on her end of the conversation, “Matt, do you know where the CoGo’s is? No, Matt, do you know where Bruesters is? No, Matt, what about Silk Pagoda? No, Matt, do you know where Rialto’s is? What, you don’t know where Rialto’s is? Everyone knows where Rialto’s is.” Then Gram looked at me and said, “Maria, I’m giving you the phone back because I can’t help him.” Poor Matt arrived to the house some 2 hours later and I really have no idea how he found us, but let’s just say Gram’s directions, no offense Gram, probably didn’t guide his way.
She was a pioneer of her time. Grandma was the first one to ‘go green’ being environmentally conscious before anyone even knew what that was. When you looked in her cupboards, you would find stacks upon stacks of recycled Ricotta cheese containers that she used to put leftovers in to take home. She even recycled foil. When Joe first came into the family, he looked in our fridge and said, “Maria, why does your family own so much Ricotta cheese?”
Gram was incredibly warm, hospitable and her traditions rooted in Italian food and culture. Gram loved having people over to share one of her home-cooked meals, each one included her staple homemade pasta dish. Nothing made her happier than gathering people together to delight in the joy of her pasta. At any given holiday, you could find the house filled with family as well as any other stragglers and transplants. I’ve had the pleasure of bringing several people over to the house for the holidays. In addition to the normal American holiday traditions, we always had spaghetti. Actually until I went to college, I had no idea that other people didn’t share the same Italian fare during the holidays. The first time I had to spend a holiday without my family I waited for the pasta and when it never came, I realized how special holidays at her house really were. Whenever I brought over my Jewish friend Sandra for Easter (Passover for her) and Gram offered her some pasta, which, of course, she had to politely decline. As she explained to Gram that she can’t eat pasta for this small time, Gram’s response in shock, “That is really sad Sandra, you are definitely missing out. Maybe you could make an exception today because this is home-made?” And there was another time that I brought Nabil, my Pakistani friend home for Christmas. Gram always loved him and as they sat down and talked, she asked him, “Nabil, how does your mom make her home-made pasta?”
If Gram was a contestant on the show Survivor, she would have won. Over the years, our family, unlike many others, has been presented with challenges, but my Grandma faced these challenges with the utmost dignity and class. She was the true matriarch of our family always carrying the heaviest load to make it lighter for everyone else. However, her survival nature also came in handy for everyday life occurrences. One cold day a couple of winters ago, she accidentally locked herself out of the house leaving her stuck inside the garage until my aunt got home from work. Instead of panicking, Gram just simply wrapped herself in plastic sat and prayed until my aunt got home. My dad always says that the definition of courage is composure under pressure and that is what she had.
She had an amazing memory. No matter what story I would tell her, she would always remember even sometimes when I would rather of her forget. A few Christmas’s ago when Joe and I were living in LA, we travelled to Pittsburgh for the holidays and on our way back to LA experienced the normal holiday travelling disaster of having our flight being oversold. We volunteered and got two free plane tickets so when Easter came around the next year and I told Gram that we didn’t have the money so we couldn’t come back to Pittsburgh to visit she said, “Maria, what about those two free tickets you have from the Christmas trip, you can come just use them.” What Gram didn’t realize is that were initially going to use the tickets for a getaway, but after she said this, Pittsburgh bound we came.
She wasn’t afraid to call you out when necessary. I remember one day about 15 years ago going to the Sheridan apartments with her. There were men working on renovating one of the apartments and they told Gram that they couldn’t rip up the floors without buying some expensive machinery, which they wanted her to pay for. She looked at them and then looked at the floor asked one of the men for the scrapper, and then she proceeded to get down on the ground in her dress and started pulling up the floor. She then got up and said, “See, if I can do it so can you, get back to work."
Gram was honest to default and in the end, she was always right. I remember one conversation vividly we had a couple of years ago when I told her that I was going to run a marathon. After telling Gram that I was going to be running 26.2 miles, Gram’s response was, “Why would you ever want to do something like that? This isn’t a good idea.” I explained how I wanted the satisfaction of accomplishing something challenging and that I was running for charity. To that she replied, “Whatever, but it’s not for me.” At about mile 18, I realized that when all my bones even my fingertips were pounding with pain, Gram was right once again.
Gram was in incredible shape. At age 80, my dad and Gram had a conversation about being in shape and jump roping. Gram had thought she could out jump my dad to which he said, “there’s no way, Mom.” So we ended up going down to the basement for the challenge. I hedged my bet on Gram and not surprisingly she won by a landslide. Up until the very end, she was active and could run circles around us all.
It is no secret that I have had the pleasure and the gift of sharing a very special relationship with my grandmother Helen Costanzo. One of the things that struck me the most about this experience is how touched everyone has been over it. I’ve had many conversations and received countless phone calls and e-mails from my people who were equally as heartbroken over her passing. People keep saying how much she touched their lives. Gram, as you look down on us from heaven today, I hope this eulogy gets a thumb’s up in your book. In closing, in honor of Helen Costanzo, may we all love our families, live simply, and give plentifully to others. Amen.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Sister, Sister...
Blame it on my Roman Catholic upbringing or my love for Hollywood nun heroines such as Whoppie Goldberg in Sister Act or Sally Field in the Flying Nun, but I love nuns. I'm not sure exactly how this happened, but what I can tell you is that have my own Rolodex filled with my personal favorite sisters. I do know one thing though, stocking up on nuns is never a bad thing. Not only do they provide enriching friendships and a lot of laughs, but God doesn't normally ignore their calls and put them straight through to voice mail. At one point or another, we all need a way direct line to get through, right?
I can also tell you that when you have nuns in your life, there is never a dull moment. I never walk away from talking to one of my nuns (yes, that's right I did say MY nuns) without some kind of story. The amount of tears, laughter, and, at times, mutual commiseration I've shared with the ladies of the cloth could be a good start to a best selling book. So I couldn't miss the opportunity when I was summoned today for a phone call with two of my favorite Sisters of St. Joseph- Sr. Suzanne and Sr. Theresa.
As we talked and shared our latest news, I could feel the love through the phone lines. We were able to pick up exactly from the last time we talked. It is very comforting to know that I have people in my life who care about me unconditionally.
I realized after I hung up the phone that I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. Coming to a realization like this creates 'the permagrin scenario', where you just can't wipe the smile off your face. So whether you are part of my inner nun posse, my friend, family member, or someone I've never personally met, who just really likes reading my blog, I appreciate you. I hope that some day (if I haven't already) I can bring a smile to your face like you have to mine. Thanks so much for reading and happy rest of the weekend!!
I can also tell you that when you have nuns in your life, there is never a dull moment. I never walk away from talking to one of my nuns (yes, that's right I did say MY nuns) without some kind of story. The amount of tears, laughter, and, at times, mutual commiseration I've shared with the ladies of the cloth could be a good start to a best selling book. So I couldn't miss the opportunity when I was summoned today for a phone call with two of my favorite Sisters of St. Joseph- Sr. Suzanne and Sr. Theresa.
As we talked and shared our latest news, I could feel the love through the phone lines. We were able to pick up exactly from the last time we talked. It is very comforting to know that I have people in my life who care about me unconditionally.
I realized after I hung up the phone that I am so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. Coming to a realization like this creates 'the permagrin scenario', where you just can't wipe the smile off your face. So whether you are part of my inner nun posse, my friend, family member, or someone I've never personally met, who just really likes reading my blog, I appreciate you. I hope that some day (if I haven't already) I can bring a smile to your face like you have to mine. Thanks so much for reading and happy rest of the weekend!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Life according to the Muppets...
I had the opportunity of sharing in one of my favorite childhood past-times this weekend several years later- The Muppets. Like many others, in my turkey induced coma after our Thanksgiving feast, we hit the theater to see my furry little idols come to life. My husband, who wasn't really a fan growing up, asked me for several days prior what makes the Muppet franchise so special? My answer of, "They just are," somehow didn't seem to appease him.
So in honor of Joe who always causes me to think a little harder about what I say, I have spent some time reflecting on why the Muppets are so special in the lives of many of us. I think it has a lot to to with the way they choose to live. So living vicariously through the Muppets, here's a preliminary list (as the full list would be way too long to post) of some Muppet mottos which make the Muppets way cooler than most humans:
1. They stick together- Like any good family, the Muppets find a way to come together and unconditionally care for each other no matter what the situation.
2. They know how to laugh- Through every wrong turn, they know how to laugh about the situation and they can always take a minute to pause for a good laugh.
3. They travel with a Swedish chef- They will never go hungry and it seems they are always eating gourmet. Need I say more?
4. They are always up for an adventure- They are presented with constant challenges which they accept with grace and humility. They never pull the 'woe-is-me' card and they always give every challenge their best efforts, as outlandish as it seems.
5. They are not afraid to be themselves- The Muppets are comfortable enough in their own skin, or should I say fur, that they randomly break into musical song and dance numbers describing who they are or who they wish they were. They aren't concerned of how others might react to the ways that they are feeling.
6. They know how to live it up- The Muppets travel all around the world, they dine at the best restaurants, attend the most exclusive parties and even make cameo appearances in the most unexpected places.
During the movie, Jason Segal breaks into song singing the "Am I a Man or Am I a Muppet?" ballot and I couldn't help but identify. For years, I've wondered the same thing. I find that there are a lot of striking similarities between me and my puppet friends sans the lavish lifestyle. My husband has also described me as Muppet-like to others, which probably most spouses might take offense to, but it makes me incredibly happy. If I have learned any lessons from the Muppets, it's that they have a lot more figured out than we humans do. So my challenge to all of you is to start this week off being less like a man and more like a Muppet ;p.
So in honor of Joe who always causes me to think a little harder about what I say, I have spent some time reflecting on why the Muppets are so special in the lives of many of us. I think it has a lot to to with the way they choose to live. So living vicariously through the Muppets, here's a preliminary list (as the full list would be way too long to post) of some Muppet mottos which make the Muppets way cooler than most humans:
1. They stick together- Like any good family, the Muppets find a way to come together and unconditionally care for each other no matter what the situation.
2. They know how to laugh- Through every wrong turn, they know how to laugh about the situation and they can always take a minute to pause for a good laugh.
3. They travel with a Swedish chef- They will never go hungry and it seems they are always eating gourmet. Need I say more?
4. They are always up for an adventure- They are presented with constant challenges which they accept with grace and humility. They never pull the 'woe-is-me' card and they always give every challenge their best efforts, as outlandish as it seems.
5. They are not afraid to be themselves- The Muppets are comfortable enough in their own skin, or should I say fur, that they randomly break into musical song and dance numbers describing who they are or who they wish they were. They aren't concerned of how others might react to the ways that they are feeling.
6. They know how to live it up- The Muppets travel all around the world, they dine at the best restaurants, attend the most exclusive parties and even make cameo appearances in the most unexpected places.
During the movie, Jason Segal breaks into song singing the "Am I a Man or Am I a Muppet?" ballot and I couldn't help but identify. For years, I've wondered the same thing. I find that there are a lot of striking similarities between me and my puppet friends sans the lavish lifestyle. My husband has also described me as Muppet-like to others, which probably most spouses might take offense to, but it makes me incredibly happy. If I have learned any lessons from the Muppets, it's that they have a lot more figured out than we humans do. So my challenge to all of you is to start this week off being less like a man and more like a Muppet ;p.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
A call from Stella*...
I've written many times about Stella*, a woman who I met a few years ago through Get On The Bus. Just to refresh your memory, she and I met totally by chance as she called the GOTB offices and I just happened to answer. Her boyfriend was and still is incarcerated at a California state prison. During that first call, she had shared that he had not seen his boys, who were very young (now 14 and 12) in several years. In addition to the boys struggling to see their father, they had also very recently and suddenly lost their mom to cancer and were whisked away from the life that they knew in LA to live with an elderly relative in the middle of the desert.
Stella reminds me of many matriarchs that I know. She is the rock of the family when it seems everything, and I mean everything, starts to crumble. Her compassionate nature, reliance on her faith and perseverance seem to somehow get her through all the hardships. She is the woman wearing many hats as a provider for the family, a compassionate ear to anyone and everyone who needs it, a fixer who takes any problems that arise along the life's journey. Although when you ask Stella how she is she never complains and she answers with a simple, "I'm blessed."
Stella is infamous for her bubbly personality coupled with her ability to deliver some really fantastic one liners. The best thing about the one liners is they come without much warning and can either put you into a boisterous fit of laughter or leave you thinking for days to come. Although I love the humorous side of Stella, I have grown to equally love the philosophizer within.
Today as we were talking she throw out this thought, "...I tell my boyfriend all the time that just as he is incarcerated so am I, I just have my freedom... Because of all the constraints and responsibilities it takes to have him as part of my life, I used to just be existing. I anchored my life around what it was that he and others needed from me. Maria, I tell you, I've finally started to live."
Wow! This was a big revelation. Too often when we look at our justice system, we look at what is happening unjustly to the people inside and more recently because of organizations like GOTB, the children affected. But what about the Stellas in this world? How do we address their issues? Who is reaching out to them?
Stella and many others are the unsung heroes of their families. They are the people who unselfishly sacrifice their lives for their loved ones. Just as Stella has finally realized, everyone deserves a chance to live not just to exist. I invite you to do something nice for yourself today because you deserve it!!!
* Names have been changed in the story.
Stella reminds me of many matriarchs that I know. She is the rock of the family when it seems everything, and I mean everything, starts to crumble. Her compassionate nature, reliance on her faith and perseverance seem to somehow get her through all the hardships. She is the woman wearing many hats as a provider for the family, a compassionate ear to anyone and everyone who needs it, a fixer who takes any problems that arise along the life's journey. Although when you ask Stella how she is she never complains and she answers with a simple, "I'm blessed."
Stella is infamous for her bubbly personality coupled with her ability to deliver some really fantastic one liners. The best thing about the one liners is they come without much warning and can either put you into a boisterous fit of laughter or leave you thinking for days to come. Although I love the humorous side of Stella, I have grown to equally love the philosophizer within.
Today as we were talking she throw out this thought, "...I tell my boyfriend all the time that just as he is incarcerated so am I, I just have my freedom... Because of all the constraints and responsibilities it takes to have him as part of my life, I used to just be existing. I anchored my life around what it was that he and others needed from me. Maria, I tell you, I've finally started to live."
Wow! This was a big revelation. Too often when we look at our justice system, we look at what is happening unjustly to the people inside and more recently because of organizations like GOTB, the children affected. But what about the Stellas in this world? How do we address their issues? Who is reaching out to them?
Stella and many others are the unsung heroes of their families. They are the people who unselfishly sacrifice their lives for their loved ones. Just as Stella has finally realized, everyone deserves a chance to live not just to exist. I invite you to do something nice for yourself today because you deserve it!!!
* Names have been changed in the story.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
And the word is NO....
A disciplined runner knows just how to push his/her limits, but in life sometimes it is just as difficult to know your limits. One of the many things I am thankful for is that my 30 year old self has finally learned how to get out of a situation when a something good has gone bad or more often than not, when something that has been fishy from the start tips over the deep end.
Although I can't write the book yet, I feel confident enough that I can at least offer a little advice to others who may be struggling with this very situation. Over the course of our lives, the word "no" has been part of our learning of what is right and wrong, childhood punishments, and rejections from (insert important life moments).
However, as easily as this word comes out of the mouths of our parents and in the form rejection letters that we get in the mail, this word is really hard for us to use in our everyday lives. We are constantly trying to find ways to shield other peoples' feelings so much so that we begin to harm ourselves. Why are people (including me) so afraid to use the word "no" to protect themselves? It is part of the English language for a reason, right?
During this past year, I've gotten to practice using the word "no" more frequently than I ever had before. Now, I'm not saying that this is a good thing, to be honest, it is quite the contrary. It never is a good thing to be in a situation that warrants you to bring out the fighting gloves. However, the good part of it all is that I've been handed or shall I say drenched by a perfect storm of circumstances where saying "no" was the only feasible option. Although it was hard at first, I've learned that I feel empowered when I am able to take control of my situation and I encourage you all to do the same.
By the way, if I paid a little more attention to television as a child, I may have acquired this skill. As you will see from this video Big Bird, Elmo and even Maria got it down. And the word is NO!!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!
Although I can't write the book yet, I feel confident enough that I can at least offer a little advice to others who may be struggling with this very situation. Over the course of our lives, the word "no" has been part of our learning of what is right and wrong, childhood punishments, and rejections from (insert important life moments).
However, as easily as this word comes out of the mouths of our parents and in the form rejection letters that we get in the mail, this word is really hard for us to use in our everyday lives. We are constantly trying to find ways to shield other peoples' feelings so much so that we begin to harm ourselves. Why are people (including me) so afraid to use the word "no" to protect themselves? It is part of the English language for a reason, right?
During this past year, I've gotten to practice using the word "no" more frequently than I ever had before. Now, I'm not saying that this is a good thing, to be honest, it is quite the contrary. It never is a good thing to be in a situation that warrants you to bring out the fighting gloves. However, the good part of it all is that I've been handed or shall I say drenched by a perfect storm of circumstances where saying "no" was the only feasible option. Although it was hard at first, I've learned that I feel empowered when I am able to take control of my situation and I encourage you all to do the same.
By the way, if I paid a little more attention to television as a child, I may have acquired this skill. As you will see from this video Big Bird, Elmo and even Maria got it down. And the word is NO!!
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!
Monday, November 21, 2011
A reflection from Allison Nicholas...
As you all know, I have a lot to say, but every once in a while I find stories that others write or pass my way that deserve the spotlight. Such is true with a story I came across via my friend and old colleague Jessica Nicholas. Not only is Jessica a beautiful young woman, but she also has a passion for criminal justice issues and a heart of gold. It seems that her sister Allison is following closely in Jessica's footsteps. Now to think about it, I've also met their mother and I think it is safe to say that awesomeness must be a genetic trait of the family.
Allison, GOTB volunteer extraordinaire, participated in this past Father's Day GOTB event. Please take some time to read the letter she wrote to the dads in response to her observations. Especially with all the budget cutbacks, we must never lose sight of how important it is for children to have access to their parents no matter where they are. Allison- thank you again for allowing me to showcase your heartfelt letter to the masses!
Allison, GOTB volunteer extraordinaire, participated in this past Father's Day GOTB event. Please take some time to read the letter she wrote to the dads in response to her observations. Especially with all the budget cutbacks, we must never lose sight of how important it is for children to have access to their parents no matter where they are. Allison- thank you again for allowing me to showcase your heartfelt letter to the masses!
Friday, November 18, 2011
The love a family...
Not only did I take a trip to Pittsburgh two weeks ago for two joyous occasions celebrating a wedding and a baby shower of two of my childhood friends, but I had the pleasure to spend the past 10 days with my family. As many of you know, together my extended family probably makes up at least 20% of the population of Pittsburgh, PA or, at least, that is the way it feels.
What is even more amazing to me is that even though I spent my entire childhood growing up in Pittsburgh and have also spent significant time there as an adult, I am still meeting new relatives or finding out ways that I am related to folks who I never thought I was related to. In a way, it is the perfect script for a Judd Apatow comedy- The woman whose family tree keeps getting wider and wider to include many unlikely suspects of all shapes and sizes. However, just as I'm about to sit down and write my real life comedy, I am cognizant of our geographic proximity to the backwoods country and think that maybe it's best to keep my family tree under wraps as it may share too many intertwined branches. J/K.
In all seriousness though, as we rapidly approach the Thanksgiving season, I have been reflecting of all the ways I've been blessed and the love of my family is my number one blessing. Coming from an Italian family where the dinner conversations include a playbill of boisterous conversation, arguing and making up all over oversized portions of homemade pasta, I'm not doubting that there can be challenges to overcome when spending time with your family. However, at the end of the day, these very same people who you've contemplated throwing a meatball at during a heated conversation are the ones who would drop anything and everything for you. They will defend you 'til the end and they will love you unconditionally even if they don't agree with your current condition, which they are also not shy about telling you. This is why I love them. We may be a little modern day Motley Crue and things aren't perfect, but I'll take them any day over the Trumps! Love to everyone this Thanksgiving season. :)
What is even more amazing to me is that even though I spent my entire childhood growing up in Pittsburgh and have also spent significant time there as an adult, I am still meeting new relatives or finding out ways that I am related to folks who I never thought I was related to. In a way, it is the perfect script for a Judd Apatow comedy- The woman whose family tree keeps getting wider and wider to include many unlikely suspects of all shapes and sizes. However, just as I'm about to sit down and write my real life comedy, I am cognizant of our geographic proximity to the backwoods country and think that maybe it's best to keep my family tree under wraps as it may share too many intertwined branches. J/K.
In all seriousness though, as we rapidly approach the Thanksgiving season, I have been reflecting of all the ways I've been blessed and the love of my family is my number one blessing. Coming from an Italian family where the dinner conversations include a playbill of boisterous conversation, arguing and making up all over oversized portions of homemade pasta, I'm not doubting that there can be challenges to overcome when spending time with your family. However, at the end of the day, these very same people who you've contemplated throwing a meatball at during a heated conversation are the ones who would drop anything and everything for you. They will defend you 'til the end and they will love you unconditionally even if they don't agree with your current condition, which they are also not shy about telling you. This is why I love them. We may be a little modern day Motley Crue and things aren't perfect, but I'll take them any day over the Trumps! Love to everyone this Thanksgiving season. :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
How to Tackle Small Community Races and Come Out Ahead of the Pack...
I have to admit this year has been pivotal for me in how I'm running, but also in the races I am choosing to run. Prior to this year, the smallest race I've done is the Turkey Trot in Downtown Pittsburgh, which still elicits a pretty hefty crowd. Now living in the middle of the suburbs, I've gotten a chance to conquer a couple of "community races."
Although at first glance I have to say I wasn't as excited with the smaller crowds and merger swag, but I have now converted to be a huge fan of these races. If you are thinking of crossing over, here are a couple of tricks of the trade that you should know.
Before the Race:
1. Pre-register and pick up your packet the day before if all possible. Community races don't have nearly the amount of staff/volunteers as the larger races. You don't need the extra stress of waiting in a line on race day, which doesn't move fast because everyone knows everyone.
2. Pay extra attention to the race map (if one is available). Often times, there are no complimentary water stations at community races so if you are a camel like me, bring your beverage of choice. There is no worse feeling then really wanting a drink when one isn't available.
3. Try to ask someone (even if it is a couple minutes before the race) about the course. Many of the participants live in town and they can give you helpful tips about where you may encounter grades and where the course is flat. You may also want to ask them about landmarks you should look out for that will help you to gauge your time better (as some community races don't have mile markers).
4. Bring music. Although your loved one(s) may come and watch you, these could be the only spectators. Community runs are notorious for not having the spectator support that larger runs have. Be ready for this.
On Race Day:
1. If you are running for time and you are somewhat of a decent runner, go to the front. I actually made this very mistake this morning at the Hohokus 5K. They had specific mile time balloons posted and people were supposed to line up by their mile time. Well, virtually no one except for me, really did. I was next to strollers, walkers and kids too young to walk let alone run. It probably cost me about a minute or so on my time.
2. Spend your first mile passing as many people as possible. Make it a game for yourself. I did this this morning and was pleasantly surprised when I crossed the first mile marker at a little under 8:30.
3. Spend your next miles eyeing a runner who is just a little bit faster and your goal is to catch them.
4. Throw some tempo runs in throughout the race. Whether this is every time you hit a grade or a landmark, a couple of tempo runs will help shave valuable time off your race.
5. Watch out for kids and cars. Even though the race is official sometimes the road is not completely closed off. Cars can breeze through the course even if they are not supposed to so be on the look out. Many kids also run these races and although they can be very speedy at certain points during the race, they also tend to stop and slow down without any warning. The last thing you want to do is fall on top of a kid.
All and all if you haven't yet tried one of these races, I highly suggest that you do. With the smaller crowds and by following the tips I provided above, I PRed today at the Hohokus 5K with 27 minutes flat (8:41 splits). When you run smaller community races, you also have a better chance of placing and you get the satisfaction of a better overall finish. (I was 187 overall and in the top 12-14% of all racers, which I think is pretty darn good considering there were between 1300 and 1500 racers). On a lighter note, I also learned that if I ever commit a crime (which I am not planning to every do), Hohokus might be a good place because I outran the police force, who also participated in the race, by at least 5 minutes!
Until next time, happy running all!
Although at first glance I have to say I wasn't as excited with the smaller crowds and merger swag, but I have now converted to be a huge fan of these races. If you are thinking of crossing over, here are a couple of tricks of the trade that you should know.
Before the Race:
1. Pre-register and pick up your packet the day before if all possible. Community races don't have nearly the amount of staff/volunteers as the larger races. You don't need the extra stress of waiting in a line on race day, which doesn't move fast because everyone knows everyone.
2. Pay extra attention to the race map (if one is available). Often times, there are no complimentary water stations at community races so if you are a camel like me, bring your beverage of choice. There is no worse feeling then really wanting a drink when one isn't available.
3. Try to ask someone (even if it is a couple minutes before the race) about the course. Many of the participants live in town and they can give you helpful tips about where you may encounter grades and where the course is flat. You may also want to ask them about landmarks you should look out for that will help you to gauge your time better (as some community races don't have mile markers).
4. Bring music. Although your loved one(s) may come and watch you, these could be the only spectators. Community runs are notorious for not having the spectator support that larger runs have. Be ready for this.
On Race Day:
1. If you are running for time and you are somewhat of a decent runner, go to the front. I actually made this very mistake this morning at the Hohokus 5K. They had specific mile time balloons posted and people were supposed to line up by their mile time. Well, virtually no one except for me, really did. I was next to strollers, walkers and kids too young to walk let alone run. It probably cost me about a minute or so on my time.
2. Spend your first mile passing as many people as possible. Make it a game for yourself. I did this this morning and was pleasantly surprised when I crossed the first mile marker at a little under 8:30.
3. Spend your next miles eyeing a runner who is just a little bit faster and your goal is to catch them.
4. Throw some tempo runs in throughout the race. Whether this is every time you hit a grade or a landmark, a couple of tempo runs will help shave valuable time off your race.
5. Watch out for kids and cars. Even though the race is official sometimes the road is not completely closed off. Cars can breeze through the course even if they are not supposed to so be on the look out. Many kids also run these races and although they can be very speedy at certain points during the race, they also tend to stop and slow down without any warning. The last thing you want to do is fall on top of a kid.
All and all if you haven't yet tried one of these races, I highly suggest that you do. With the smaller crowds and by following the tips I provided above, I PRed today at the Hohokus 5K with 27 minutes flat (8:41 splits). When you run smaller community races, you also have a better chance of placing and you get the satisfaction of a better overall finish. (I was 187 overall and in the top 12-14% of all racers, which I think is pretty darn good considering there were between 1300 and 1500 racers). On a lighter note, I also learned that if I ever commit a crime (which I am not planning to every do), Hohokus might be a good place because I outran the police force, who also participated in the race, by at least 5 minutes!
Until next time, happy running all!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I read a book...
Well, okay I guess I've probably read a couple more than one in my life. However, this is the first book I recorded for the public to hear. While I was away in California in August, I not only received a copy of my documentary debut, but I also narrated my good friend Michael Hebler's children's book The Night After Christmas. I know many of you have little people to buy for this Christmas. I highly suggest this book. Not only is the text catchy and fun, but the illustrations are enough to keep any child interested. Take a look and a listen and let me know what you think.
Monday, September 19, 2011
A workout involving wine? Sign me up!!
As the fall season comes upon us and the dark mornings and crisp weather are abound, it becomes particularly hard, at least for me, to drag myself out of bed any earlier to get in a morning workout. However, this fall the times they are a changin'!
Not only do I have an awesome new running partner Jodi, who is a lightning fast runner, she also has some really creative ways to motivate people around her to keep in shape. What is Jodi's magic you may ask? Well aside from her upbeat personality, which is much appreciated during our AM workout regimes, she uses the Pavlov's Principle of rewards for good behavior.
Now I know what you are thinking, how does this work? Why would you workout only to consume the calories back? Although if you want my opinion, isn't this why we workout anyways? It's my love of food that keeps me working out harder and harder because the more I workout, the more I can eat!
However, this is a bit of a different model- allow me to explain... For about the past two weeks, I have been participating in a push up/sit up wine challenge. Anyone who knows me well knows that I would do just about anything for a glass (or two) of good wine and in this challenge it is no different. Every day, I must do the agreed amount of sit ups and push ups and if I forgot or fail to do so, I must buy the remaining people in the group a bottle of wine. Each week the number of sit ups/push ups increase and the object of the game is to be the last chick standing (or sitting and pushing up ;p). Since there are 13 people in the group, there is a possibility to get a case of wine.
Now when Jodi invited me to do this challenge one thing that she didn't realize is that I take these things very seriously. With my determined spirit and a tight budget, I refuse to lose. Hopefully in a few months from now, I won't be whining so much about working out in the cool weather as I will be consuming a well deserved bottle or 12 of wine! Game on!
On another note, a special congratulations to my sister Kelly, as she qualified yesterday for the Boston Marathon with a time of 3:36!!! This is an especially sweet victory as she missed qualifying in the spring by only 10 seconds. I am so proud of you Kel! You are my running idol! During the race, she was surrounded with the support of my parents, my Aunt Diane and of course Gram, who never misses a beat. As Gram said to me, "Well, I guess now we all have to go to Boston." I'm very much looking forward to April and can't wait to be there to cheer her on!
Thursday, August 18, 2011
My SoCal GOTB Surprise...
As some of you know, I was out in California for about 10 days. The main impetus for my trip was the wedding of my brother-in-law Tom to his new bride my now sister-in-law Erin. The wedding couldn't have been more beautiful and the good kharma seemed to carry throughout the rest of the trip. I got a chance to get up to the Get On The Bus office on Friday, August 5 to meet with my old boss and founder of Get On The Bus Sr. Suzanne Jabro.
This was an especially special trip because almost 1 year ago to the day, I had left California for the East Coast and within the course of last year, Suzanne has also moved into her new role of Founder so this was the first time we were both back at the office. I drove down Camellia Ave. just like old times and parked my car. When I got into the office, I saw a film crew setting up their equipment in our dining room. As always, I chalked it up to another day at GOTB. However, I had no idea what was in store for my visit. The truth, which I didn't know at the time, was the film crew was there to present Suzanne, me and Get On The Bus a documentary they had shot right before I left.
After being greeted by the new Get On The Bus staff, I was told that there was a surprise in store. As I came back out to the dining room, I was greeted by Maureen Herman, founder of Project Noise (www.projectnoise.org), a nonprofit film organization that creates short documentary style videos for nonprofits. During last year's event, Project Noise (www.projectnoise.org) had filmed a bus that my husband Joe coordinating leaving from South LA and going to Chowchilla Women's Prison for Mother's Day. Like any other nonprofit, after they were able to find the funding to shoot the footage, they had to look for another grant to support the editing and post production process. For those of you who are aspiring film makers, you know this is no easy task. Thankfully, a foundation stepped forward and supported this process and below is the final result.
I want to give a huge THANK YOU to Project Noise and Maureen for being so persistent in the process and for painting the story of the families in a powerful yet concise format. Also a big THANK YOU to the new GOTB staff, mainly Kathy the new ED for coordinating the surprise. It was truly a blessing to be a part of all of this and more good things to come in the future!
This was an especially special trip because almost 1 year ago to the day, I had left California for the East Coast and within the course of last year, Suzanne has also moved into her new role of Founder so this was the first time we were both back at the office. I drove down Camellia Ave. just like old times and parked my car. When I got into the office, I saw a film crew setting up their equipment in our dining room. As always, I chalked it up to another day at GOTB. However, I had no idea what was in store for my visit. The truth, which I didn't know at the time, was the film crew was there to present Suzanne, me and Get On The Bus a documentary they had shot right before I left.
After being greeted by the new Get On The Bus staff, I was told that there was a surprise in store. As I came back out to the dining room, I was greeted by Maureen Herman, founder of Project Noise (www.projectnoise.org), a nonprofit film organization that creates short documentary style videos for nonprofits. During last year's event, Project Noise (www.projectnoise.org) had filmed a bus that my husband Joe coordinating leaving from South LA and going to Chowchilla Women's Prison for Mother's Day. Like any other nonprofit, after they were able to find the funding to shoot the footage, they had to look for another grant to support the editing and post production process. For those of you who are aspiring film makers, you know this is no easy task. Thankfully, a foundation stepped forward and supported this process and below is the final result.
I want to give a huge THANK YOU to Project Noise and Maureen for being so persistent in the process and for painting the story of the families in a powerful yet concise format. Also a big THANK YOU to the new GOTB staff, mainly Kathy the new ED for coordinating the surprise. It was truly a blessing to be a part of all of this and more good things to come in the future!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Moved in the moment...
As you all know, we just completed our first season of Heart to Heart on the Scales of Justice Radio Show and it went out with a bang. The topic tonight was about childhood trauma and when I say there was never a dull moment, I really do mean that. Our three experts Dr. Cohen, Dr. Sultan and Dr. Simon peeled apart the layers of childhood trauma and how it manifests in our lives and they specifically looked at the trauma children face when their parents are separated from them due to incarceration. Using play therapy and other techniques and case studies of "meeting the child where they are", they shed light on how to help start to heal the wounds that a traumatic experience leaves.
During the interview, we got a caller that really drove home to me why we need to continue to do this work. This man was in his 70's and when he got on the line, his voice was welled with emotions and he struggled to get out the words that he needed to say while fighting back the tears. He was a victim of intense childhood trauma and he had never received any help for it. This pattern of trauma followed him throughout his life and eventually led him to committing a violent crime during adulthood. You could sense the pain, guilt and sorrow over the phone line when he was reaching out to our expert guests.
I have to say there are few times that I am speechless, but for that moment, I muted my microphone and I cried my own tears for this man and for the pain he had experienced and was continuing to experience. After we finished the show, I got a chance to touch base with my guests and we all agreed initially that the show was intended to educate the general public about the topic. However, what really happened is that our listeners "met us where they were" and personalized what the experts were saying into their lives. How did a traumatic experience affect the way their life has transpired? What might have been different if they had gotten help? Why is it important to address these scenarios rather than ignore them? The candidness of this caller moved all of us to places we didn't intend to go, but I'm so glad that we did.
If you missed this show, you can catch the archive at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/scalesofjustice/2011/07/11/shirley-maria-talk-about-justice-for-the-children
During the interview, we got a caller that really drove home to me why we need to continue to do this work. This man was in his 70's and when he got on the line, his voice was welled with emotions and he struggled to get out the words that he needed to say while fighting back the tears. He was a victim of intense childhood trauma and he had never received any help for it. This pattern of trauma followed him throughout his life and eventually led him to committing a violent crime during adulthood. You could sense the pain, guilt and sorrow over the phone line when he was reaching out to our expert guests.
I have to say there are few times that I am speechless, but for that moment, I muted my microphone and I cried my own tears for this man and for the pain he had experienced and was continuing to experience. After we finished the show, I got a chance to touch base with my guests and we all agreed initially that the show was intended to educate the general public about the topic. However, what really happened is that our listeners "met us where they were" and personalized what the experts were saying into their lives. How did a traumatic experience affect the way their life has transpired? What might have been different if they had gotten help? Why is it important to address these scenarios rather than ignore them? The candidness of this caller moved all of us to places we didn't intend to go, but I'm so glad that we did.
If you missed this show, you can catch the archive at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/scalesofjustice/2011/07/11/shirley-maria-talk-about-justice-for-the-children
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Tomorrow Night's Heart to Heart Show (last show before we go on hiatus)
This Sunday July 10th, 2011 from 9 pm-10 pm EST (6 pm-7 pm) PST
Maria and Shirley will bring to the show 3 renowned psychologists who specialize in childhood trauma. We will explore what type of trauma children are facing when their parents are arrested and sentenced to jail or prison. We will look at ways to minimize this traumatic moments for the children and how caregivers can assist in doing so. Through therapy modalities, theories and discussions, our experts will deliver a practical show that everyone who works with children shouldn't miss. This will also be our final show before we got on hiatus so stay tuned! To listen, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/scalesofjustice.
Dr. William Salton
Dr. William Salton is a licensed clinical psychologist in the state of New York. He is a Clinical Associate Professor at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Yeshiva University, where he runs the training clinic and teaches classes on Psychopathology and Illness, Working with the Parents of Children in Psychotherapy, and the Treatment of Young Adults. He is also a faculty member and supervisor at the New York Institute for Psychotherapy Training in Infancy, Childhood and Adolescence; and the Metropolitan Institute for Training in Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy. Dr. Salton maintains private practices in New York City and Westchester County.
Dr. Tracy Simon PhD
Dr. Tracy Simon PhD., is a licensed clinical psychologist in the state of New York, currently working full time in the private practice of psychotherapy. She is the Executive Co-Director of the New York Institute for Psychotherapy Training in Infancy, Childhood and Adolescence, where she perform the administrative, organizational and management functions for the three year post-Master’s level specialization training program. In addition, Dr. Simon is an Adjunct Supervisor at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology, Yeshiva University in New York where she supervises doctoral students in conducting psychotherapy. Dr. Simon also volunteers clinician for the Human Rights Clinic of HealthRight International, where she received specialized training in the evaluation and psychological documentation of victims of torture. Currently, Dr. Simon is a candidate at the New York University’s Postdoctoral Program in Psychotherapy and Psychoanalysis, studying to become a psychoanalyst. She
Phyllis Cohen, Ph.D
Dr. Phyllis Cohen is a psychoanalyst and a psychologist working with. children, adolescents and couples. She teaches at several psychoanalytic institutes and at New York University. She is the Founder and currently Co-Executive Director of the New York Institute for Psychotherapy Training in Infancy, Childhood and Adolescence (NYIPT), where she also teaches and supervises. Dr. Cohen is the Co-Director of the World Trade Center Project, working with women who were pregnant on 9/11/01 and lost their husbands, and their children. She is on the Executive Committee of the Project in Family Systems Theory and Psychoanalysis at NYU Postdoctoral Program in Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy. She heads a committee on the interface of child and family therapy in Section VIII, Psychoanalysis and Family Therapy, Division 39, American Psychological Association. She has published papers on infant, child, adolescent and family therapy.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Life lessons from inside the gate...
As some of you probably know, my job as Nursery Manager for Taconic Women's Prison was recently part of the cuts that Albany made in regards to the criminal justice system. In the mad fury to get everything wrapped up prior to my last day, I was scrambling around like a chicken with my head cut off. I was acting like "typical Maria" taking on way too many things each day just to make sure the transition for the women and the move out process for Hour Children and the prison was a smooth one. During this time, I became a stranger to anything except for my task at-hand. Then on a random Wednesday evening about two weeks ago, I was invited to a life skills graduation inside the County Jail in Newark, NJ.
To be honest when I first got the invitation, I was ready to respond back with my regrets. I was already spending two nights that week working late at my other jobs and I really didn't want to part with a third. The time of the event also wasn't faring well for me. It was set to be from 6-9 pm and when you get up at 5 am to go to work the thought of losing a couple extra hours sleep isn't a huge sales point. I also thought about the traffic. I would be working all day and then driving almost 80 miles or so from work to go to this event. There were so many cons so I decided to draft an e-mail to the organizer saying thanks, but no thanks.
As I started on the e-mail, I wrote several versions of reasons why I couldn't go. However, they all seemed to be shallow. "Sorry I can't go because I have to work." -Well so does everyone else who was invited. "Sorry, but the drive will be too much." - Too much for someone who is going to be able to catch up on sleep and time in a couple of weeks?
As I re-read the e-mail text, I was striking out even more. The whole point of the life skills class was for women to come together and work on themselves. The class wasn't mandatory and the women who came mostly gave up privileges and their own free time to be part of it. For 8 weeks, the women wrote essays and poems, watched and analysed films, and became part of a therapeutic group that looked into the root causes of why they ended up in lifestyle that lead them to jail. For most of the women, this was the first time they had seen through any type of positive commitment in their lives. Now I couldn't give up a few hours of my free time to be a part of their accomplishments?
I erased all the previous drafts of my e-mails and wrote a few lines, "It would be my pleasure to be part of this experience." With that, I committed.
As I suddenly approached all the traffic that was flowing in my direction, I started to tense up and I really wanted to just turn around and go home. However, I kept on going and managed to make it by nothing short of a miracle with even a few minutes to spare.
As we processed into the jail, I have the feeling I always do going inside. My heart races and for a minute, as the gates close behind me, I feel trapped. I understand freedom as I've known it just a few seconds ago is no more. For the next block of time (possibly more depending on if anything out-of-the-ordinary happens), I am committing myself to playing by a new set of rules, where every move is watched and at any time, things can "go sideways," which is a term commonly used inside when things get ugly. At this point, I take a deep breath and say a small prayer and adjust to my new surroundings. During this time, a weird burst of energy surges through my body and I know that I'm ready.
As we walked into the room, there were women of all different shapes and sizes. Some tattooed, some pierced, but all looked hardened from the lifestyle they were accustomed to on the outside. Just as I was sizing them up, I could feel their stares coming down on me too. I know that this will seem strange, but for me, being inside of a female jail is much scary than being inside of a max men's prison. Reason being that in a jail people are transient and they are awaiting trial, many are trying to prove themselves and establish hierarchies. No one knows each other that well and therefore, the culture is very unsettled and being unsettled in a facility is never a good thing. Then to throw on top of this being a woman visitor inside of a women's facility that's another dynamic and this causes the women inside to throw up additional guards.
However, with women once you can break down the barriers and find some commonalities, the dynamics change drastically. As part of the ceremony, this was an exercise that we all did. As the outsiders explained who they were and why they chose to be a part of this celebration, you could see the women's faces start to soften. Then after we had some conversation and a meal together, the women got to share a piece of themselves- a final paper that they wrote about their lives. As each women shared, they became more and more vulnerable. They talked about their addictions, but they focused mostly on what led them to this life. Tearfully each woman recanted horrible stories of childhood abuse, murders of their family members and being raised on the streets. In respect and confidence for these women, I am choosing not to share the specifics here. However, I do want to share one story of a woman who was just sentenced and will be leaving the jail to serve a 10-life sentence for a murder that her boyfriend committed while she sat outside in the car high on meth with no recollection of anything that happened that night.
She is a young mother and is now in recovery and she is using her writing to help get her through. She talked about two African proverbs that have helped shape her and turn her life around. The first is, "Never test the water with both feet." The second, "Don't look where you've fallen, but where you've tripped." She crafted a well written piece about how these two proverbs were the way that she lived her life prior to her being inside. She was always trying the next best thing and cycling through people and things to find some sort of meaning in her life. When she wasn't able to, she would use the drugs to coat her pain and now that she is not able to do this, she is forced to look inside and find out all the lose ends that have been ignored.
As she read her piece, it brought a tear to my eye as I could understand where she was going. Although I couldn't relate to the addict piece, I could relate to the proverbs. I saw myself inside of both of them. I have a gusto for life and sometimes this leads me to trip and jump into waters too shallow for me. I was doing this right now even before my current job had ended, I was trying to make way to jump into something else.
As I drove back that night, I reflected on what she said and I have since decided to tread a little more carefully. Although I have no idea what the next step will be, I am at peace in committing myself a bit more to the process to find the right thing, not the right now thing.
To be honest when I first got the invitation, I was ready to respond back with my regrets. I was already spending two nights that week working late at my other jobs and I really didn't want to part with a third. The time of the event also wasn't faring well for me. It was set to be from 6-9 pm and when you get up at 5 am to go to work the thought of losing a couple extra hours sleep isn't a huge sales point. I also thought about the traffic. I would be working all day and then driving almost 80 miles or so from work to go to this event. There were so many cons so I decided to draft an e-mail to the organizer saying thanks, but no thanks.
As I started on the e-mail, I wrote several versions of reasons why I couldn't go. However, they all seemed to be shallow. "Sorry I can't go because I have to work." -Well so does everyone else who was invited. "Sorry, but the drive will be too much." - Too much for someone who is going to be able to catch up on sleep and time in a couple of weeks?
As I re-read the e-mail text, I was striking out even more. The whole point of the life skills class was for women to come together and work on themselves. The class wasn't mandatory and the women who came mostly gave up privileges and their own free time to be part of it. For 8 weeks, the women wrote essays and poems, watched and analysed films, and became part of a therapeutic group that looked into the root causes of why they ended up in lifestyle that lead them to jail. For most of the women, this was the first time they had seen through any type of positive commitment in their lives. Now I couldn't give up a few hours of my free time to be a part of their accomplishments?
I erased all the previous drafts of my e-mails and wrote a few lines, "It would be my pleasure to be part of this experience." With that, I committed.
As I suddenly approached all the traffic that was flowing in my direction, I started to tense up and I really wanted to just turn around and go home. However, I kept on going and managed to make it by nothing short of a miracle with even a few minutes to spare.
As we processed into the jail, I have the feeling I always do going inside. My heart races and for a minute, as the gates close behind me, I feel trapped. I understand freedom as I've known it just a few seconds ago is no more. For the next block of time (possibly more depending on if anything out-of-the-ordinary happens), I am committing myself to playing by a new set of rules, where every move is watched and at any time, things can "go sideways," which is a term commonly used inside when things get ugly. At this point, I take a deep breath and say a small prayer and adjust to my new surroundings. During this time, a weird burst of energy surges through my body and I know that I'm ready.
As we walked into the room, there were women of all different shapes and sizes. Some tattooed, some pierced, but all looked hardened from the lifestyle they were accustomed to on the outside. Just as I was sizing them up, I could feel their stares coming down on me too. I know that this will seem strange, but for me, being inside of a female jail is much scary than being inside of a max men's prison. Reason being that in a jail people are transient and they are awaiting trial, many are trying to prove themselves and establish hierarchies. No one knows each other that well and therefore, the culture is very unsettled and being unsettled in a facility is never a good thing. Then to throw on top of this being a woman visitor inside of a women's facility that's another dynamic and this causes the women inside to throw up additional guards.
However, with women once you can break down the barriers and find some commonalities, the dynamics change drastically. As part of the ceremony, this was an exercise that we all did. As the outsiders explained who they were and why they chose to be a part of this celebration, you could see the women's faces start to soften. Then after we had some conversation and a meal together, the women got to share a piece of themselves- a final paper that they wrote about their lives. As each women shared, they became more and more vulnerable. They talked about their addictions, but they focused mostly on what led them to this life. Tearfully each woman recanted horrible stories of childhood abuse, murders of their family members and being raised on the streets. In respect and confidence for these women, I am choosing not to share the specifics here. However, I do want to share one story of a woman who was just sentenced and will be leaving the jail to serve a 10-life sentence for a murder that her boyfriend committed while she sat outside in the car high on meth with no recollection of anything that happened that night.
She is a young mother and is now in recovery and she is using her writing to help get her through. She talked about two African proverbs that have helped shape her and turn her life around. The first is, "Never test the water with both feet." The second, "Don't look where you've fallen, but where you've tripped." She crafted a well written piece about how these two proverbs were the way that she lived her life prior to her being inside. She was always trying the next best thing and cycling through people and things to find some sort of meaning in her life. When she wasn't able to, she would use the drugs to coat her pain and now that she is not able to do this, she is forced to look inside and find out all the lose ends that have been ignored.
As she read her piece, it brought a tear to my eye as I could understand where she was going. Although I couldn't relate to the addict piece, I could relate to the proverbs. I saw myself inside of both of them. I have a gusto for life and sometimes this leads me to trip and jump into waters too shallow for me. I was doing this right now even before my current job had ended, I was trying to make way to jump into something else.
As I drove back that night, I reflected on what she said and I have since decided to tread a little more carefully. Although I have no idea what the next step will be, I am at peace in committing myself a bit more to the process to find the right thing, not the right now thing.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Closing Chapters...
So we all know the feeling of picking up a new book that you've been dying to read. You leave the bookstore plotting out your day and making sure you have ample time to spend with your newest addition. You can't wait for the moment when you will be able to snuggle up on the couch with a cup of hot tea and enjoy. Then you do and you start reading the first few paragraphs expecting to have some sort of life changing epiphany or at the very least feel enriched and engaged by the text. However, as you read you are slowly becoming less and less excited and you even start to zone out. You reread sentences and paragraphs trying to savor every word subconsciously telling yourself to hold on to see what's around the bend. You get through the first chapter and now conscious disappointment starts to set in; however, you convince yourself that it is bound to get better. Then by chapter two or three you are struggling and asking yourself why you even bought this book in the first place? The characters have no arcs, the plot is convoluted and/or you just can't seem to get into it.
You find yourself at a crossroads. Should you use this book become the newest occupant on your shelf joining all the other books that you've either finished or abandoned? The cover is very pretty and it would give the illusion to others that you read this book. You put it on the shelf just to see how it would fit with the other books.
Then you have another thought. Maybe you made a rash decision and you should just keep on keeping on with it in the hopes that something will change? It is a gamble; however, you are in the mood to roll the dice so take the book off the shelf. However, you have adjusted your expectations and now your goal is to just get through it.
As you read, at times you are struggling maybe even nodding off. However, there is one moment that something that you read changes the game for you. Although you are still not completely loving the book, you now feel that because of one scene, paragraph or character, it isn't that bad anymore. You no longer dread picking the book up. You stay with it for a while and a couple more chapters and other redemptive things are happening. You are beginning to think that your investment wasn't wasted.
You feel yourself care again. Now, you are approaching the end of the book and you have a vision of where and how the book is going to end. You keep reading and you are waiting for your vision to come and then when you are almost done, it changes again. You are thrown off guard however, you are intrigued enough to stay with it as you've made the commitment. Then the end finally comes and as you close the book, you feel happy that you've gotten through it, but sad that now the challenge of conquering it is gone. It is now time to move on.
Yep this pretty much sums up the week.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Living my own country music song...
There's nothing I can appreciate more than a little country twang. I feel in love with country music during middle school when my principal Mr. Oliver passed away suddenly from cancer. The most interesting thing about Mr. Oliver's death is that no one, not even his own family knew he was sick. We gathered the day after his death to honor his memory and to contemplate why he never wanted to tell anyone the fate he knew all along. The song that was chosen was a classic which remains to be one of my favorite songs of all time "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.
When I listened to it for the first time, I heard the melodic rhythm coupled with Garth Brook's voice, which last time I checked wasn't too hard on the ears. The song helped to offer three minutes of peace to an overall uncomfortable situation. Mr. Oliver was one of the first people aside from family that I can actually remember passing. As the years have went on, I have found this song comforting during times of uncertainty, sadness and sorrow so much so, I even started to listen to the lyrics.
The message of this song goes much deeper than just addressing losing someone you love. It talks about the gift of having them as part of your life without the pretense of knowing that they were leaving because this knowledge would be alter the beauty of your relationship. Although for my sixth grade mind, this was well beyond my comprehension.
I didn't know how much solace "The Dance" would be able to provide to me in the face of my own losses. This year has been far from a cake walk and in a way, I think I could write my own country song. I have had to part with my personal items, jobs falling through, my grandfather leaving this earth and my good friend Shira passing at age 31. Through all of this, I keep on trying to make sense of it all. I have been asking myself and God for that matter, how this could happen?
I don't know the answer and at this point, I am slowly becoming okay with that. However, what I do know is the memories that I shared have now become the blessing that lives on with me. Thank you to all who have been reaching out to me lately.
When I listened to it for the first time, I heard the melodic rhythm coupled with Garth Brook's voice, which last time I checked wasn't too hard on the ears. The song helped to offer three minutes of peace to an overall uncomfortable situation. Mr. Oliver was one of the first people aside from family that I can actually remember passing. As the years have went on, I have found this song comforting during times of uncertainty, sadness and sorrow so much so, I even started to listen to the lyrics.
The message of this song goes much deeper than just addressing losing someone you love. It talks about the gift of having them as part of your life without the pretense of knowing that they were leaving because this knowledge would be alter the beauty of your relationship. Although for my sixth grade mind, this was well beyond my comprehension.
I didn't know how much solace "The Dance" would be able to provide to me in the face of my own losses. This year has been far from a cake walk and in a way, I think I could write my own country song. I have had to part with my personal items, jobs falling through, my grandfather leaving this earth and my good friend Shira passing at age 31. Through all of this, I keep on trying to make sense of it all. I have been asking myself and God for that matter, how this could happen?
I don't know the answer and at this point, I am slowly becoming okay with that. However, what I do know is the memories that I shared have now become the blessing that lives on with me. Thank you to all who have been reaching out to me lately.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Gigi's Back on Scales of Justice Tomorrow Night!!
I am so pleased to announce that my former colleague and good friend Georgette "Gigi" Breland will be on the Scales of Justice tomorrow night as our guest. From those of you who know Gigi or have read about her on my blog, you know her compelling story of serving 29 years of her life in prison for ending the life of her abuser. You also know her amazing story and struggle of writing her own writ and fighting the Governor for her long overdue freedom. However, you may not know the story of what has been happening since her release. I promise you tomorrow night will not be a show you want to miss.
Please tune in at 6 pm PST (9 pm EST) tomorrow (Sunday) night. To listen, go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/scalesofjustice. We are also going to be leaving more time for callers. I know that many of you have tried in the past to call in and because of time were not able to ask your question. This is going to change. Scales of Justice and Heart to Heart is a medium where all of our voices need to be heard.
I not only encourage you to call in tomorrow and comment or ask a question, I invite you to do so. The number is 347-637-3070. We will also give the number out at the beginning of the show. When you call, you may hear a prompt that says, "If you want to speak with the host, press one." Follow the instructions. Please note that it may take a couple of minutes to get through however, as soon as the elevator music ceases and you are patched in, you are on air so be aware whatever you will be saying will be heard ;p.
Please listen in tomorrow and we look forward to hearing from you!!
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Inspiration through Perspiration...
As some of you know, I've been the bug a lot more than the windshield lately. In the last week, I've said my final goodbye to my grandfather, caught some sort of bug literally that has made me feel the worst I've felt in years and sadly got the news that my newest full time job offer has been rescinded. This is enough to make anyone feel a little down in the dumps.
However, in the light of all this sorrow, I am trying to make sense of it. Why? Why do bad things happen to seemingly good people? Why do they seem to happen all at once? Why me? Although I can't tell you any of the answers to these questions, one of the things that I do know is that it is healthy to ask them. It is also healthy to try to rationalize them and to cry when you can't or you can and you don't like the answer. One of the things that I find helpful is talking to people who really know the right thing to say.
My dad is one of these people who knows what to say when times aren't so great. On a phone call with him yesterday in response to everything, he said, "Maria, people and things can break you, but they will never break your spirit because they can't get it."
The power of the human spirit is a beautiful thing. What is even more beautiful is that you never know who is being touched by your spirit and when. I got an interesting e-mail the other day from an old colleague who I spent a summer co-teaching students from Bejing with. I wanted to share it with all of you.
Hey lady!
It's Nicole in Cali! I wanted to let you know that I ran the LA MARATHON because of you! You truly inspired me to do something I have wanted to do the last 6 yrs living in LA! What an amazing course and well tough day with hurricane like wind and rain!
Yes, you truly inspired me as with DDD ( degenerative disc disease), doc told me a few yrs ago after being rear-ended in a car accident, prob not best to run, bad for the back.
I went on though and finished the race in 5.31 hours, apparently top 40% for my age group, not too shabby in hurricane like 50 degree weather. Go figure today was 80 degrees! I would rather have rain though then dropping like a fly with hot weather.
Happy to hear this email lifted your spirits. I found your blog recently and loved reading it!
Actually, started a brand new job about 6 weeks ago and trained for only about 3 months, BY MYSELF, running 4 nights a week in the cold and wind after work, in the dark as well. It was rough, but I was DETERMINED. Actually, longest I ran was 7 miles and then ran the marathon, not too bad hah? -Nicole
Nicole, my sincerest congratulations to you and to your accomplishment. I may have inspired you, but you were the one who crossed the finish line. I am so grateful that this blog gave you the motivation to accomplish what you did. Put your feet up and celebrate!! Also keep me up-to-date about your next race so I can feature you on this blog again. Kudos again!!
However, in the light of all this sorrow, I am trying to make sense of it. Why? Why do bad things happen to seemingly good people? Why do they seem to happen all at once? Why me? Although I can't tell you any of the answers to these questions, one of the things that I do know is that it is healthy to ask them. It is also healthy to try to rationalize them and to cry when you can't or you can and you don't like the answer. One of the things that I find helpful is talking to people who really know the right thing to say.
My dad is one of these people who knows what to say when times aren't so great. On a phone call with him yesterday in response to everything, he said, "Maria, people and things can break you, but they will never break your spirit because they can't get it."
The power of the human spirit is a beautiful thing. What is even more beautiful is that you never know who is being touched by your spirit and when. I got an interesting e-mail the other day from an old colleague who I spent a summer co-teaching students from Bejing with. I wanted to share it with all of you.
Hey lady!
It's Nicole in Cali! I wanted to let you know that I ran the LA MARATHON because of you! You truly inspired me to do something I have wanted to do the last 6 yrs living in LA! What an amazing course and well tough day with hurricane like wind and rain!
I went on though and finished the race in 5.31 hours, apparently top 40% for my age group, not too shabby in hurricane like 50 degree weather. Go figure today was 80 degrees! I would rather have rain though then dropping like a fly with hot weather.
Happy to hear this email lifted your spirits. I found your blog recently and loved reading it!
Actually, started a brand new job about 6 weeks ago and trained for only about 3 months, BY MYSELF, running 4 nights a week in the cold and wind after work, in the dark as well. It was rough, but I was DETERMINED. Actually, longest I ran was 7 miles and then ran the marathon, not too bad hah? -Nicole
Nicole, my sincerest congratulations to you and to your accomplishment. I may have inspired you, but you were the one who crossed the finish line. I am so grateful that this blog gave you the motivation to accomplish what you did. Put your feet up and celebrate!! Also keep me up-to-date about your next race so I can feature you on this blog again. Kudos again!!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
I'm in a new decade...
Well, it's finally here. The age I've been dreading for a very long time. I've crossed into unknown land of now becoming a 30-something. I have to admit, I'm not liking the ring to it all that much. One of the biggest changes I have felt is I've lost my scapegoat. Let me explain...
I feel that 20-somethings have a pass to try new things, mess up and most of all not be definitive on their life path and where it is all going. I know in my offices (both past and present) many of my colleagues would say, "You're 20-something, you've got time and you're not expected to know how to solve the world's problems." However, you never hear that for 30-somethings. For me, being a 30-something implies that you've got it all figured out, which clearly I don't.
One of the other problems I'm having with this birthday is the power of visualization. In the spirit of still wanting to have my 20-something scapegoat, I will blame this on all the self help books that I've read that say, "Picture what your life will look like when you are (fill in the blank)." Now, although I am a creative person and take creative liberties in almost everything I do, my visualization looks nothing like the actualization.
I wonder if I am the only one out here that feels this way?
However, on the flip side, I did have the most wonderful birthday ever. I wish every day could be my birthday without getting any older of course!! I loved hearing from some many of my friends and family who I don't get a chance to connect with everyday. I also want to give a big shout out to my in-laws and my husband for such a wonderful celebration. I truly did feel loved and it gave 30 a much gentler landing! Thanks again. Love to everyone.
I feel that 20-somethings have a pass to try new things, mess up and most of all not be definitive on their life path and where it is all going. I know in my offices (both past and present) many of my colleagues would say, "You're 20-something, you've got time and you're not expected to know how to solve the world's problems." However, you never hear that for 30-somethings. For me, being a 30-something implies that you've got it all figured out, which clearly I don't.
One of the other problems I'm having with this birthday is the power of visualization. In the spirit of still wanting to have my 20-something scapegoat, I will blame this on all the self help books that I've read that say, "Picture what your life will look like when you are (fill in the blank)." Now, although I am a creative person and take creative liberties in almost everything I do, my visualization looks nothing like the actualization.
I wonder if I am the only one out here that feels this way?
However, on the flip side, I did have the most wonderful birthday ever. I wish every day could be my birthday without getting any older of course!! I loved hearing from some many of my friends and family who I don't get a chance to connect with everyday. I also want to give a big shout out to my in-laws and my husband for such a wonderful celebration. I truly did feel loved and it gave 30 a much gentler landing! Thanks again. Love to everyone.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Join us tonight on Heart to Heart at 9 pm EST (6 pm PST).
On Heart to Heart this Sunday will be three women who together uncover the laws, policies and practices that women face when they are stuck in a difficult circumstance of being in an abusive relationship and having questionable immigration status. If you heard our first immigration show, join us for a part two of this discussion.
Please join Shirley and Maria as we explore with our guests the challenges these women are confronted with as they try to leave their abusers, the difficulties of navigating the legal, criminal justice, and immigration systems and the impact this has on the family unit, especially the children. This Sunday’s Scales of Justice Show uncovers the laws, policies and practices that women face when they are stuck in a difficult circumstance of trying to leave their relationships with their own safety and family intact. Please join Shirley and Maria as we explore with our guests the challenges these women are confronted with as they try to leave their abusers, the difficulties of navigating the legal, criminal justice, and immigration systems and the impact this has on the family unit, especially the children.
This show will be packed with expert legal knowledge from Sonia Parras Konrad, Co-Director of ASISTA, an legal agency that helps advocate for women who are experiencing these issues, Azuzenna Aguayo, from the Los Angeles Department of Children and Family Services who works specifically on these cases, and you will hear from Rosie Sanchez who will her share her personal experiences with this issue.
The show airs tonight 6 pm PST (9 pm EST). To listen go to www.blogtalkradio.com/scalesofjustice
Thanks,
Maria :)
Meet our guests here now:
SONIA PARRAS KONRAD
2529 Ingersoll Ave, Suite 8, Des Moines IA 50312
(515) 255-917Sonia@asistahelp.org
Sonia co-directs ASISTA, Technical Assistance for Immigrant Survivors, a nation-wide program that provides immigration technical assistance to front line advocates and attorneys on advanced issues arising out of the legal representation of immigrant survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking. ASISTA was funded by the Office on Violence Against Women, Department of Justice. She is also in private practice at the Law Offices of Sonia Parras PLLC.
Sonia co-directs ASISTA, Technical Assistance for Immigrant Survivors, a nation-wide program that provides immigration technical assistance to front line advocates and attorneys on advanced issues arising out of the legal representation of immigrant survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking. ASISTA was funded by the Office on Violence Against Women, Department of Justice. She is also in private practice at the Law Offices of Sonia Parras PLLC.
Sonia is an activist and educator on domestic violence issues and legal remedies for survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault, and human trafficking. She is the author of Rompiendo el Silencio(Breaking the Silence), a manual for Latino community activists organizing against domestic violence and sexual assault, published by the Family Violence Prevention Fund and Defensa y Promocion de la Mujer Latina (Defense and Promotion of the Latino Woman) published by National Latino Alliance. Through her work Sonia strives to promote the organization and leadership of immigrant survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. Sonia is the founder of MUNA, a legal clinic for immigrant survivors serving the entire state of Iowa where she worked for 12 years and LUNA, an innovating culturally tailored domestic violence and sexual assault agency providing services to Latinas by Latinas.
Sonia is a frequent speaker on immigration issues and innovative community organizing techniques, both locally and nationally.
In 2002, Sonia, in conjunction with the EEOC, represented a number of immigrant women survivors of sexual assault in a class action against their employer. The case resulted in a substantial financial settlement on behalf of the survivors (1.5 million dollars). In 2008, Sonia represented more than 70 immigrants detained during the major raid in US history pro bono filing over 48 U visas To date 42 U visas have been approved and 12 more have been filed and are pending.
Sonia is a member of the American Immigration Lawyers Association (AILA), the Iowa Bar Association, the Board of Directors of the National Immigration Project of the National Lawyers Guild Association, and a Board Member of the National Alliance to End Violence Against Immigrant Women. She is the chair of the detention subcommittee of the Iowa-Nebraska AILA chapter and the advisory board member of the National Judicial Institute on Domestic Violence of the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges. On 2009, she received the Pro Bono AILA annual Michael Maggio award for her work on Postville.
Sonia graduated in 1996 from the Universidad de Granada (Spain), College of Law and completed her legal education at Drake University Law School in 1999.
Also on the show is Azuzenna Aguayo:
Azuzenna Aguayo is a Children’s Social Worker who has worked with the Department of Children and Family Social Services as a Social Worker for seven years. She is an Intensive Services Worker who assists families who come into the system of DCFS. Her job is to assist in maintaining the children in the home of parents and/or family members when they have been victims of abuse. She also assists in connecting the families with services such as Individual Therapy, Parenting, Domestic Violence, Substance abuse treatment programs, etc…
A great deal of the families that she works for have Mother’s who have been victims of Domestic Violence and are undocumented immigrant.
A great deal of the families that she works for have Mother’s who have been victims of Domestic Violence and are undocumented immigrant.
She was born and raised in East Los Angeles. She is the second of four children and the first person to attend the university on both sides of her family. She graduated University of California Santa Cruz in 1994 with a B.A. in Sociology. She completed 52 graduate credits form California State University in Los Angeles in Child Development and Education. She was a teacher for The Los Angeles Unified School District for 5 years.
She became a stay at home Mother in the year 2000. She raised her son for two and a half years and returned to the work force at the end of 2002.
She has worked for the Department of Children and Family Social Services for the past 7 years. Although it is a very emotionally loaded job, she believes she found her calling.
She became a stay at home Mother in the year 2000. She raised her son for two and a half years and returned to the work force at the end of 2002.
She has worked for the Department of Children and Family Social Services for the past 7 years. Although it is a very emotionally loaded job, she believes she found her calling.
Appearing on the show for the personal side of this issue is Rosie Sanchez: (As written by Rosie)
Rosie Sanchez
Rosa Maria Sanchez, is currently in Mexicali, Baja California after serving a sentence of 25 years to life at the California institution for women, for a crime she did not commit. She has the utmost respect for the sanctity of human life.
This is the fact of her unique case. In 1985, she was a business owner, operating a wholesale store called “Rosey’s of California,” in the garment district in Los Angeles, California. She sold women’s and children’s clothes, she had customers from San Francisco, Palm Spring, Chicago, Texas, Washington, Oklahoma and Mexico. She used to have a casual relationship with her neighbors and she never had problems with anyone.
At the time of her arrest, she was 24 years old, a single mother of four children, Gustavo 7 years, Irving 5 years, Rosie 4 years and Grace 2 years. Her grasp of English language was less than fair, for over a year she waited for her case to come to trial, faith walled up, in the judicial system, in her attorney and in knowing her own innocence. She knew there was no possible way that they would find her guilty of a crime she did not commit.
Her heart goes out to the victims of this tragedy and their families. Adam Ramos was greatly mistaken when he saw a profile of a woman for about 5 seconds and believe to be Rosie. When the fire occurred, she was sleeping at home with her four children, her sister Lorena, a live in baby-sitter Juanita, and a friend and neighbor Maribel, who needed a ride from work to home because her car had broke down the day before.
She had no reason to commit such a crime, she had a successful business, and she had financial records that will verify that her business was doing very well. Her store was in the same building where the fire occurred, it was only 2 doors adjacent from Maribel’s store. She could have easily lost her business and she had no insurance.
When she was arrested and accused of starting the fire, her attorney arranged bail and one week later on Christmas Eve 1985, she was released on $100,000.00 bail. While she was out on bail she continued working and taking care of her children, she could have easily fled to Mexico, but she did not because she was not guilty. Rosie thought that justice would prevail, despite the enormous amount of evidence to prove her innocence and the (69) favorable witnesses on her behalf. Evidence that the jury did not see because of her attorney’s failure to introduce it during her trial, her attorney was more concerned about saving court time that to defend her innocence. Approximately, after 8 hours of testimony, defense taking approximately 30 minutes, with not a single thread of physical evidence and only highly questionable hearsay evidence, she was convicted of a crime she did not commit.
Since her conviction she have been seeking legal assistance to prove her innocence to no avail. The courts denied her appeal not on the merits of the case, but due to 80 days delay (which were circumstances beyond her control that did not allow her to file on time). Also the sentencing judge Sam Bubrick wrote numerous letters to BPT and CDC urging them to recommend a recall of sentencing under pc 1170(d).
Finally, on October 14, 2009, the Board of Prison Terms panel… (PLEASE ASK HEIDI)
For years she prayed that they will see her case for what it is, a miscarriage of justice. Finally after almost 24 years they review the facts of her unique case, and they determined that it was time to correct the wrong done to her and her family. Unfortunately, the injustice did not end then, (Heidi can explain better what I mean by this). Now, she is living as a productive member of her community in Mexicali, Baja California and her children continue to visit her, the nightmare is not over yet.
Her children deserve to be reunited with their mother after more the 23 long years of pain and suffering. As hard as it can be, the Governor should give back to her family their belief in what they thought America stood for “Liberty and Justice.”
Very truly yours,
Rosie M. Sanchez
P.S. PERSONAL INFORMATION: (686) 556-4550 home .… (686) 243-7461 cell
SKYPE: (RMA318201)
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